'You can't come to my birthday party!'

Have you ever heard a child of around 3-6 years say something like this? Or perhaps you’ve heard, ‘I won’t be your friend anymore!’, after a tussle with a toy. This can be a common behaviour amongst preschoolers though it doesn’t need to be acceptable. The behaviour is a form of

aggression, and while it is not physical but verbal, it can be just as damaging. It is no less hurtful to both the child saying the words or the child on the receiving side. Why? Because both children’s social and emotional development is jeopardised.

Ignoring others, telling other children they can’t play or be a part of their group, and setting conditions on friendship (e.g. ‘I won’t be your friend if you don’t give me that toy’) are the beginnings of relational aggression and it can begin in preschool. It is no more likely to be developed by boys or girls in this age group.

Children who tend to use relational aggression are often quite competent in learning situations. They have well developed empathy skills and can demonstrate perspective when discussing moral situations e.g. from a story. The children also usually have good language skills and can be quite

popular with peers. It is not surprising that children using relational aggression are often aware of the impact of their words and how it might make the other person feel.

The challenge in a preschool or home setting, is that if the behaviours are not addressed, it can be more tempting for the whole group or siblings to create a culture of relational aggression. How can we help children to be more prosocial or kind to one another? An important strategy in helping to prevent or manage the behaviour is to notice when it happens. For example, does it occur in an unstructured play time?, What sort of materials or equipment does it occur around? Does it occur with particular combinations of children? If you are able to notice when it is likely to occur, you can be at the ready to step in to support a nicer way of managing the struggle taking place.

We can’t make children like one another but we can insist that kindness is the way that we will speak with one another. Just the same as we teach children to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, we can teach prosocial language for playsituations. We can help children to be flexible in their games by changing, ‘you can’t play our game’ to‘what about if you be the .....’. Helping children to think of a different scenario or the ‘what if’in a situation supports changing their thinking and language. You can read picture books or stories to children that have situations of conflict or strong feelings that they can relate to. Discuss how characters might feel, help children to think about ways that they might have handled the situation. The more children are helped to problem solve social situations, in a kind way, the more likely they will call on those ways in a tricky moment. Just as we would not allow children to physically hurt one another, we also need to be ready to prevent hurtful language.

We can empower children who are on the receiving end of relational aggression to say, ‘stop, I don’t like what you’re saying!’. If the other child does not stop, they can repeat what they’ve said and add that they will tell an adult. When children come to you with the problem, your role will be to be a ‘sportscast’ the situation. For example, ‘Sam, it looks like you are very upset about John’. Invite the children to tell each other how they felt about the situation. Help them to problem solve the situation and come to a solution that will work for both of them. Children can and are used to doing this at preschool with their teachers. Sometimes it can take some suggestions from adults to help them through the problem, but ifyou can, try to allow the compromise or solution to come from them. This empowers children and helps them become more confident at problem solving themselves. 

It is important to know that children engaging in relational aggression are often reacting to their own feelings of powerlessness. They can also be reacting to their inability to navigate social situations and the complexity of group dynamics. These children need nurturing and support as much as children on the receiving side of the aggression. We need to ensure that we target their behaviours, be friendly with error, in that we keep supporting their social and emotional development for ‘as many times as it takes’, and provide opportunities for them to find another way to communicate, play or express themselves in social settings.